The Driving Lessons of Yuffie Kisaragi
by The Fiercesomest Dragon Ever
Summary: Yuffie embarks on the difficult journey of learning how to drive. Yuffie in a car... ooh, scary thought!
1. Session 1

I felt like writing something FFVII, and this is the result. Formatting idea from Pasht's story 'The Chess Match', who got the idea from Rinaidran Warrior's story 'I Dare You'. (both Zelda stories)

Let me know if you'd like to see it continued; if I get enough reviews, I might make this more than a oneshot.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yuffie, Tifa, or anything else that has to do with FFVII

* * *

"Alright, Yuffster, we're in the car. What's the first thing you're going to do?" 

"Er… start it up?"

"… no."

"Oh. Hm… uh… how 'bout… put on my seat belt?"

"Well, yes, that's a good thing to do. Go ahead and put your seat belt on."

"Okay, now I start up the car, right?"

"No, not yet."

"What? Why not?"

"You haven't adjusted the seat, or mirrors."

"Huh? Why do I have to do that?"

"Yuffie, Barret was the last one to drive; the seat is set too far back for you."

"What? How can you tell?"

"Your feet barely reach the pedals, and you have to lean forward to touch the steering wheel!"

"Oh, right."

"Good. Now adjust the mirrors."

"Hang on. I want to recline a little more."

"The side mirrors should be set so you can see into the next lane, that way- Yuffie! What are you doing!"

"What?"

"You can't drive like that!"

"Why not?"

"How will you see where you're going!"

"But this is more comfortable!"

"I don't care. Sit the seat back up."

"Oh, fine… hmph. You're so picky."

"I'll take that as a compliment. Now-"

"We start up the car, right?"

"Yes, we start up the-"

"Woohoo! This is going to be great!"

"Okay, calm down. Put the car in reverse. Go slow backing out of this driveway."

"Reverse. Slow. Right. Got it."

"Now, gently let off the brake…"

"Brake?"

"... Yuffie…"

"Kidding! I'm just kidding! Geez, can't take a joke…"

"Yuffie, if you can't be serious about this, I'm taking away your Knights of the Round materia."

"No! Please! Don't! I'll be good!"

"Okay. This driveway's a little uphill. You might need to give it a little gas to-woaaah! YUFFIE!"

"Oops. Sorry about that."

"That mailbox was government property!"

"You told me to give it some gas!"

"I said _a little_ gas! A _little_! As in 'not enough to run down that mailbox'!"

"Well, _now_ you explain it…"

"… you're going to have to pay for that mailbox, you know."

"Why? It's the not our mailbox. Let the neighbors worry about it."

"Yuffie, do you have _any_ moral standards whatsoever?"

"Moral whats?"

"That's it. Turn around, we're going back."

"But- but- but!"

"Right now, Yuffie. I'm not built to stand this kind of driving."

"But, Tifa, we're barely out of the driveway! How am I supposed to turn around?"

"Fine! Then just put it in dri- okay. Good. We're on a little bit of a hill, so put your foot on the brake. Yuffie, put your foot on the-"

"We're hardly moving; don't worry so much."

"Yuffie! BRAAAKE!"

_CRUNCH! SCRAPE! SCRAPE! Creeeeak…_

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Well, uh, hehe, I guess they don't make garage doors like they used to."


	2. Session 2

Author's note: This chapter's for you, Nando. Thank youfor your ever-dependable reviewing of my stories.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" 

"Yikes, so _that's_ why the speed limit's 25 on that turn!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Whew! That was close! Whose idea was it to put a tree by the side of the road like that anyway?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Oof! Man, speed bumps are annoying. Don't worry; we're pretty straight. This landing should be smoother than the last one."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Wow! I didn't know the emergency brake could make the car do_ that!_"

"AAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa-"

"Oh, come on. These little hills aren't that scary!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Will you shut up already! You're making it really hard for me to concentrate!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Don't you have to breathe, something!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Oh, shoot. There went another stop sign."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Quit being such a baby, Barret! You didn't scream like this when we fought Sephiroth!"

* * *

Yeah... it's short... but it's the thought that counts, right? 

Merry Christmas!


	3. Session 3

Author's note: It's Aeris's turn...

Warning: this chapter is _insanely_ sad. It deals with, in part,the horrible subject that is... roadkill...

As such, I won't blame you if you want to skip this one.

If not... well... enjoy, brave soul, enjoy...

* * *

"Okay, Yuffie, make sure your seat is properly adjusted and-" 

"Yeah, yeah. I already went through all that with Tifa. Let's get this hunk of junk rollin'!"

"Um… sure. Just be careful coming out of the driveway. Take it nice and slow- there's a stop sign… hm, that's odd… where did it go?"

"That stop sign? I think I took it out when I went driving with Barret yesterday."

"Oh, my…"

_SCREEEEEEECH!_

"Yeah, baby, yeah!"

"Yuffie, slow down!"

"Ah, don't get your skirts all tangled, Aer. This driving stuff is easy! Watch me make this hairpin turn at 60 mph!"

_SCREEEEEEEEECH!_

"Okay, um, very nice, Yuffie- but I think you should slow down. There's a stop light up ahead. It's yellow, so slow down. Um…now… Yuffie!"

"What!"

"The light's yellow! Slow down!"

"That's not what yellow means!"

"What! Then what does it mean!"

"It means speed up so you can beat the light! Hang on to your flower petals!"

"Yuffie!"

"Whew! Made it. And just in the nick of time, too. Another second and we'd have been caught in the cross-traffic!"

"… Yuffie…"

"Ye-e-e-es?"

"... nevermind. We'll work on it. We're on a nice straight street here; just keep it going nice and straight."

"Right."

"Good."

"Hey, Aeris, look up ahead! A little squirrel!"

"Yuffie, watch out! It's running into the road!"

**Bump, BUMP!**

"NOOOOO!"

"Wow, that was a pretty big 'bump' for such a little animal!"

"Yuffie… you… killed it!"

"Yeah… that's kind of sad… but what can I say? It should've looked both ways before it crossed the street."

"It was just an innocent little forest creature... sniff…"

"Hey, look! Another squirrel!"

**Bump, BUMP!**

"AAAAAGH! YUFFIE!"

"Look, Aeris, what do you want me to do! I can't just swerve into the other lane to miss some little piece of roadkill."

"You didn't seem to have a problem with swerving into the other lane before!... you're right, though. Just hitting it was the best-"

"Hey, look, Aeris! It's a whole FAMILY of little squirrels!"

**Bump-bump, bump, bump-bumpity, bump-bump, bump, _bump_,** **BUMP**!

"Sob… no! All the little baby… sob sob… _tear_… turn around Yuffie…"

"You want me to run them all over AGAIN!"

"No! I want to go home… pull into this driveway up here and turn around."

"Pull into the driveway? Nah. I've got a better way. Just give me a sec and I'll whip this car back around so you can head home. Hold on."

"Whip the car…!"

_SCREEEEEEEECH!_

"Alright! Changed directions in less than five seconds! That was much faster than pulling into some driveway, wasn't it?"

"…I honestly don't care at this point, Yuffie… just… don't hit anymore-"

**Bump, BUMP!**


	4. Session 4

Author's note:

I'm back! Haha, after a however-many-month streak of not writing, I AM WRITING AGAIN!

Anyways, it's Red's turn!... everyone pity him...

* * *

"… I don't see why I have to do this… I can't drive… How are you supposed to wear this confounded safety belt?"

"You… uh… don't know?"

"… well, I've never had to sit in the front seat before…"

"In that case, you strap it across yourself like this… then back up between here… then wrap it around… and snap it into the buckle. There! You're all set."

"…this is a very uncomfortable position…"

"Yeah, it looks like it. But you'll just have to deal with it if you want to help me drive."

"… but Yuffie… I don't want to help you drive… Aeris just asked me to talk to you about animal rights…"

"Yeeeah… but she MEANT to ask you to help me drive!"

"Really?"

"Yup. Really."

"Well… alright…"

"Great! Let's go- oops. Forgot the keys. I'll be right back… heh heh heh…"

"…Yuffie?... Why did you laugh just now?... Yuffie?"

Six hours later…

Cloud walks out with the car keys, talking on his cell phone.

"… straight on Chocobo lane, take a left at the materia shop, and it's the blue building three blocks down, right? Ok. Got it. Sure. Sure I'm sure. Look, Aeris, it's no problem for me to pick you up from your therapy session. No, Yuffie won't be driving me there. Yeah, I know… she's been upstairs listening to her pop-rock whatever music all afternoon. Sure, I'll take her driving next-"

Car door opens

"What the- Red! What are you doing in here?"

"… I'm trying to chew my way out of this seat belt…"


	5. Session 5

Author's note:

I betcha didn't think I was going to post another chapter so soon, did you? DID YOU!

Ahem. Well, at least I haven't gone on another no-chapters-for-two-months streak.

This time, it's Cloud's turn! Drive-thru workers beware...

_**

* * *

**_

"Woaah! Yuffie, watch your speed!"

"I am watching it! 86 mph, and rising fast!"

"Watch out for that street sign!"

"I am watching out for it!

"YUFFIE! BRAKES!"

_ERRRRRRRRRRRRK!_

"…"

"…"

"… what! We stopped in time! Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you, oh, I dunno, almost ran down an old woman on the side of the road?"

"… _maaaaaaybe_…"

"… okay. Pull into this fast food place- GAAH!"

"What! I'm pulling into the fast food place like you said!"

"… I meant AFTER the light turned green…"

"Oh… well, _now_ you tell me!"

"Yuffie, left turns across busy intersections are _not_ good things! Especially when the light is red! I mean, you _do_ realize that any bad driving behavior on _your_ part goes on _my_ driving record if we get pulled over, don't you?"

"… really?"

"Yes, rea-… darn it… shouldn't have said that…"

"Hey, Cloud, why is the arrow on that 'one way' sign pointing the other way?"

"… because you're going through the drive-through the _wrong direction_."

"… oh…"

"Yuffie, turn around."

"No way!"

"What! Why not? You're going through the drive-through the _wrong way_!"

"I'm thirsty. I'll just pull up here and you can order something for me."

"Yuffie, no!"

"Aw, come on, Cloud! We're already here. See, the order-guy's already here."

"Er… dude, you're driving through the wrong way."

"… ah… I know… turn around, Yuffie."

"No! I'm thirsty!"

"You little brat, turn this car around!"

"No way, you freak!"

"Freak! This from a kleptomaniac in tennis shoes!"

"Hey! I'm not… no… wait… I am."

"Ha."

"… well… your hair's weird!"

"It is _not_ weird. It's cool. Now turn around."

"Er… dude…I don't know what I'm supposed to do... er… I'm going to talk to the manager…"

"Hey, wait! We want to order something!

"No. We don't. Hang on a sec. I think I know how to deal with this problem."

"Cloud!... Cloud? Hey! Why are you getting out of the car?"

"Dude, this is, like, a serious health hazard…"

"I agree, order-guy. Cloud! What are you doing? Why are you getting your sword out of the trunk?... um… Cloud? Uh-oh…"

"Hold still, Yuffie. I think I can solve this with one swing. Just hold still."

"Yike! Er… see ya, Cloud!"

_VROOOM!_

"… darn it… she moved."

_**Six hours later…**_

"Cloud! Where have you been! Are you alright?"

"Yeah, Tifa. I'm fine."

"That's good… but… what happened? I got a call from police headquarters downtown, saying they picked up Yuffie driving _alone_ downtown!"

"Oh… we just had a little _misunderstanding_."

"Ah. I see. So… how are we going to pick her up if she has the car…?"

"We're not. I mean, the police'll drop her off after she's served her time, right?"

"… I… guess so."

"All right then, problem solved. Besides, there's no way I'm going to walk another thirty miles today; my feet are killing me as is."

"Does this mean no more driving sessions?"

"Hm… about that… you see, while we were at the drive-through, the awkward guy at the order window gave me an idea."

"Really? What kind of idea?"

"Give me a sec to get some food and I'll tell you; I haven't eaten in six hours…"


	6. Session 6

Author's note:

Well, this is it. The last chapter. Writing this has certainly been a... learning experience.

Thanks for the reviews, people!

* * *

"Well, Tifa, it took two whole days of begging and pleading, but it's going to be worth it." 

"You really think it'll work, Cloud?"

"If it doesn't, there's no hope for Yuffie. Did you see how traumatized Cid and Cait Sith were when they got back from their sessions?"

"Yeah… Cait Sith's head was on backwards, and Cid had lost his voice from all his cursing."

"Imagine that. I never thought I'd see the day."

"Cid… voiceless… it's just unnatural."

"Kind of nice, though. Come on, Tif, let's watch from the upstairs window 'til they're out of sight."

"I'm right behind you!"

**_Outside..._**

"All right, let's see who I get to terrorize today… hehehe… what the- Vincent!"

"… hello, Yuffie."

"_You're_ my driving instructor today! I didn't even know you could drive!"

"I can."

"Oh. Well… er… I'll just get in the car here and… uhm… start it up. Yeah."

"…"

"… just… ah… let me adjust my seat first… heheheh…"

"…"

"… uhm… aren't you going to tell me to sit it up so I can see, or something?"

"… If you wish to wreck the car, it is no concern of mine."

"But… won't you get hurt?"

"I'm adept at leaping from moving vehicles. Are you?"

"… er… no."

"I see."

"… oookay… I guess I'll just… sit the seat up. But I'm _not_ wearing a seatbelt!"

"That is fine."

"What! Fine!"

"Yes. As long as you are aware that, should the car stop suddenly, there is nothing to keep you from being hurled out through the windshield."

"… through the windshield?"

"Correct."

"Erm… maybe I'll wear it… this time."

"Very well."

"All right… I'll pull out of the driveway here… oops. Took out someone's mailbox."

"That was _my_ mailbox."

"Oh. Well, you shouldn't have left it so close to the road!"

"…"

"… sorry."

_**In a parking lot…**_

"Hey, watch me launch us off these speed bumps!"

"No."

"Er… no?"

"No."

"Ah… fine… I'll just… ah… obey the speed limit…"

_**Near an intersection…**_

"Yellow? Ha! We're only a quarter of a mile away! Watch me make this light!"

"No."

"… no?"

"No."

"… er… I guess I'll just… stop then…"

_**On the squirrel road…**_

"Hey, Vincent! Watch me whip the car around!"

"No."

"…… no?"

"No."

"… well… um... I suppose I won't this time…"

_**At the fast food place…**_

"I'm hungry. I'm just going to pull into this drive-through the wrong way… hehehe."

"No."

"No again! Vincent, I'm getting really sick of this! All you ever say is 'no' 'no' 'no'! Why won't you just let me drive the way I want?"

"… because… I have this."

"A driver's license? So?"

"No. Next to it."

"… a badge?... a… police badge?"

"Yes, but that is not what I'm referring to. Next to it."

"… a… big… gun?"

"Yes."

"… and… you don't want me to drive like I have been?"

"On the contrary… this drive has gone… well."

"Oh… really?"

"Yes."

"So… you want me to drive this way?"

"Yes."

"And if I don't…"

"If you don't…"

"… Vincent… please don't point that at me."

_**A few hours later… back at the house…**_

"Cloud, look! They're back! And the car is still in once piece!"

"Really! C'mon, Tifa. Let's go see how it went."

_**Downstairs…**_

"I can't _believe_ that police guy stopped us just because _I_ was in the driver's seat!"

"… he had reason to doubt your abilities."

"Yeah, but that was then. This is now! And I'm gonna be the best and most law-abiding driver anyone's ever seen! Oh, heya Cloud, Tifa!"

"… best?"

"… law-abiding?"

"What? Why are you two looking at me like that?"

"Vincent, what did you do to her?"

"… I merely took her for a drive, as you suggested."

"Yup. _And_ we stopped by the DIM (driver's in Midgar) station to pick up my license!"

"WHAT!"

"… she passed the driver's test."

"Ha. I'm not as bad a driver as you thought I was."

"Well, I, for one, am proud of you, Yuffster."

"Thanks, Tifa!"

"Ahem… Cloud…"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm proud of you too… for not running over anyone at the DIM…"

"I am glad things worked out. I shall now return to my own house."

"Thanks for all your help, Vincent!"

"Thanks for saving us from a psychotic teenage driver!"

"Cloud!"

"… sorry."

"So, Yuffie, now that you're a licensed driver and all, how 'bout you drive me down to pick up Aeris from her therapy session?"

"Well… actually…"

"Something wrong?"

"No. It's just… I was hoping Cloud would come with me for a quick spin through the drive-through. I'm dying for a cheeseburger. Whadd'ya say, Cloud?"

"Heck no. You're licensed now, go get it yourself. Or take Tifa!"

"But Cloooooud… I want _you_ to come with me…"

"No!"

"Oh, come on, Cloud! I passed my test with Vincent and everything!"

"Agh, Yuffie! Let go of my arm!"

"I'll get the keys!"

"Tifa! You too! It's like the entire _planet_ is conspiring against me!"

_And so, Yuffie became the slightly responsible driver that no one had expected her to become; driving semi-safely, and never running over a single squirrel, (after that first incident anyway)._

_**The End.**_


End file.
